So I found a new boy. A boy I can be completely myself with. He’s amazing. I love him to death. He means the world to me. I can tell him absolutely anything. We can be ourselves together. He’s my best friend.

But he has a girlfriend.

And I have a boyfriend.

It kills me. We dated for just a little while, then we broke up. We had a thing for around two months and I got to know him better than any guy I’ve ever met. It felt like we connected on such a deep level. I would do anything for him. But then we got in a fight, and I guess he moved on. I understand that. I’m not going to ruin a relationship. But he knows how I feel, and I thought he felt the same way. I guess not. All I want is for him to tell me he cares about me as more than a friend, but we can’t be together right now. Then I would at least have hope. But now I have nothing. We still talk all the time, and I don’t know what I would do without him as my friend.

I think we are meant to be. But I’ve done everything I can. The rest is up to him<3

Since I’ve stopped posting, I have completely changed as a person. I overdosed. I had to stay three weeks in the adolescent behavioral health unit. If you haven’t already seen it, go ahead and watch my video. It’s linked on my page..

       Love isn’t perfect. We’re all sitting here waiting for something great to fall into our laps, without even looking for it. We (we being the typical lovesick human in the 21st century) overlook someone who is already there for us. We try to make a person who does not care at all, care for us. Maybe it’s the thrill of the chase, maybe we just want perfection. While someone may seem like he isn’t good enough for you, it could be in fact that you aren’t good enough for him. “A diamond in the rough,” so to speak.

       Now, every once in a while we’re lucky to find a person that is our Prince (or Princess) Charming. Most of the time we loose them. BECAUSE PEOPLE AREN’T PERFECT. They make mistakes. Whether it was you who made the mistake or your Prince/Princess Charming, doesn’t matter. Someone will loose trust, one person will be hurt. Or both of you. From my experience, going back into a relationship that hurt one or both parties just results in more heartbreak. Like that would stop us.

       Because when we found a person that we thought was perfect, we become afraid we’ll never find another. Afraid our hearts can’t love again. Afraid no one will look at us the same way. Afraid we aren’t good enough for another one to fall for us… So we go back. And if we can’t go back, we mope. We mope, and complain, and don’t even try to find someone else! We lie in bed imagining making up with our Prince Charming. We imagine nights under the stars, kisses in the rain. We revisit the times we were with them, even if they aren’t romance-movie material. And, when the other person isn’t there, we tend to make up their side of the conversation. (Thanks to Pretty Little Liars, for the perfect quote)

       We end up convincing ourselves that the relationship was perfect, we were meant to be together, that the other person still loves us. It could be true, but it most likely isn’t. Every relationship isn’t a love story, but life is. It’s full of twists and turns, and hopefully it will end up with a happy ending. Maybe it won’t, especially if you sit around crying over what’s lost. Especially if you expect failure in every relationship. Maybe it will happen, maybe it won’t. But you still have to try.

<3<3

I feel guilty for crying. I have a pretty good life. I have a family that’s there for me most of the time. I have a nice enough house and money isn’t really an issue for me. Some guys like me, and some don’t. I have a best friend, and I have a boyfriend. So I think it’s unfair every time I feel sorry for myself. It’s stupid of me to be sad, why am I not happy?

I have this problem where I’m always thinking about what people would do if I was just gone. Who would cry, who wouldn’t care. It’s not that I want to die, but it would be easier than just guessing who really cares about me, and who is just pretending. Life is life, and I’ll never get another one. I know that.

I wish my parent’s cared about me. I work so hard in school, I’m in all advanced classes with staight A’s. They are more worried about the fact that my brother is struggling in math and what they can do to help him get better. I’ve worked so hard on dance for the past few months. All I hear them saying is how they wish they could go to my brother’s hockey tournament instead of staying home for my dance recital. I work hard to stay skinny and look pretty, but they only care that my brother is a little bit chunky. I work so hard to seem perfect, so they just overlook me and think I don’t need their help. They don’t see how insecure I am, how afraid I am of people’s disapproval of me. But when I do something wrong, they sure notice. I mouth back occasionally, therefore I’m the biggest snot in the world. I don’t do my chores one night, so I’m always irresponsible and never do what they ask. They never see all of the good things I’ve done. They don’t realize how proud of me other parents would be. I’m not enough to please them, so how will I ever make someone else happy? They always talk about what could possibly make me so upset, and it’s only because no matter what I do, I’ll never be enough. Do you know how that feels?

Okay so I’m dating this other boy now, and was just thinking I was over “Justin”. This boy I’m dating now, uhh… Andrew, just happens to be the boy I broke up with the first time for Justin. Then all the sudden, Justin texts me. I tried to be tough and act like I didn’t care about him. Then it kinda failed. He’s saying all this sweet stuff, all the stuff I’ve wished he would say. All the things I’ve been feeling. I wish I could just take my own advice and move on, everything would be so much easier. I have a good boyfriend who likes me, but the thing is he doesn’t know me. Andrew’s life seems just simple, like his biggest worries are what party he’s going to go to the next night. Justin has problems, and he told me them. He knows my problems and knows I’m not perfect, and he still cares. At least he did when we were together. I told him that we’ve tried so many times, we would’ve gotten it right by now if we were ever going to. He said that I’ve always had it right, and it was him who messed up. He told me he cried two nights ago because he thought about me. He’s the only boy I’ve ever cried about. The only person I’ve ever even really connected with. But he’s hurt me so many times. I have no reason in the world to trust him.

So there’s the my-life experience. Now the part that you probably actually care about, what to do when your head and your heart are telling you two totally different things. First of all, your heart can’t think; it’s just an organ CONTROLLED by the brain. So really your head and another part of your head are telling you two different things. The reason we connect love with our heart is because we need both love and our hearts to keep going. What your “head” is thinking is the logical decision, what we would choose if we didn’t want something. Our head is based off what we need, and it’s trying to save us pain. But our “heart”, it is something we can’t really describe. It feels like we need what our heart is saying, but really we only want it. We could survive without it. Our heart isn’t taking into consideration what will happen if it doesn’t work out, the pain we might have to deal with. It just knows that while we have it, we will be happy, and it will feel good.

Honestly, I have no clue which one to pick. I guess I’m just not that wise. Maybe someday, when the decision has passed, we’ll realize if it’s better to listen to our heads or our hearts. But today, we just have to guess, and hope we make the right choice. Part of becoming wise is making mistakes..

Everyone acts like it’s wrong of me to have an opinion. For me, opinion means I care. Whether my opinion is for or against your point of view, at least I’m caring about the topic right? I could just sit around doing nothing at all. Kids my age think it’s rude to have an opinion about things they say. Like I’m suppose to sit around and agree with everything going on? Or my parents tell me talking back is bad. All I’m doing is saying my reasoning for why I did something. Should I let them punish me with out knowing the whole truth, or the explanation of my actions. If you ask a question that questions the beliefs of what we’re learning in school, you are practically scolded. It’s almost as if the world we’re living in wants me to sit back and be the kid not paying attention in class and getting by by cheating off the kid next to me’s paper!

Ever since we were little, we’ve been set up to believe in love. This belief is taught through the teenage years straight into adulthood. Honestly, I think it’s setting us up to fail.

In Cinderella, the princess, Cinderella, always works and is a good person. Since she is good, POOF, a fairy godmother appears to make all of her wishes come true. I’m not saying this isn’t a good message, that if you work hard good things will happen to you. It’s just those things are going to be a heck of a lot harder to come across when they don’t show up with a little bit of pixy dust. This story sets the example of looks being everything to children as well. When Cinderella is given any wish she wants, she chooses a beautiful dress and perfect shoes. I THINK that girls should be able to walk around in their sweats with their hair in a pony tail and still be treated like royalty. Are we? No. Will we ever? Nope.

Another myth of love we’ve been taught over the years is very well expressed in a popular quote, “If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don’t, they never were.” Leaving someone is like breaking someones heart, and if you break a boys heart he will never trust you again. Trust me, I know. You can’t expect to hurt someone just to “test their love.” That basically is saying you don’t care enough to stick around unless they are going to come chase you. Sometimes, you are going to have to work to fall in love. You can’t sit around waiting for it to fall in your lap. People are always saying “If it’s meant to be, it will be.” Well, you can make it be! You control your future. No one is making decisions for you, so you have to choose to find the one you really want that you may have never even met if you had sat back waiting. You have to work to get the things you want, make you made-to-be be!!!!